Saturday, September 26, 2009


This is one of those multitude of forwarded emails
that I get on a daily basis.... Some of them make me
cry and some of them make me laugh. Sometimes
I have time to read all of them and sometimes I have
to do a mass delete as LIFE just doesn't give me the
time to sit and enjoy such stories. However, this one
caught my attention today ... mostly because it came
from a very dear online friend that I love to pieces...
I was laughing so hard after reading this that I had to
walk away...well, honestly, RUN TO THE BATHROOM
so I didn't pee my pants while laughing as hard as I was.

Without further adue...
I hope you enjoy as much as I did!

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1960's the bathing suit for the
mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not
so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold
back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch
fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up
front to the maternity department and try on a floral
suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a
hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or
she can wander around every run of the mill
department store trying to make a sensible choice
from what amounts to a designer range
of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my
sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors
known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was
the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if
you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a
swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged
the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror ---
my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left
armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located
it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs
spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned
my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take
a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me
oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.
I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had
come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head
through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said,
admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she
had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that
made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral
two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with
ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane,
pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked
like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I
thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a
shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was
cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got home, I found a label which read --
'Material might become transparent in water.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other
body of water this year and I'm there too,
I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this
time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.

author unknown



candylady said...

That is to much I loved it
also thanks for sharing I
am heading to you know where hoping I make it LOL

Polly said...

You are right!! This one is just too good not to share. I am still laughing!!! I got an email once about what we go through to have a mammogram done and it was hilarious! I was glad I took the time to read it. I know we don't often have the necessary time it would take to read every single one, but it sort of makes you wonder sometimes if there is possibly a jewel like this in the trash folder. I go till I can stand it no more, then delete, delete and delete. Your blog, by the way is one of my favorites and I am ashamed to not have left a comment before. It means so much, I know. I love your writing style and adore the printables. I wish I could design, but thank Heaven for generous designers who share.

cindiaskew said...

you are right, am laughing on the floor. thank u for sharing that (bathing suit thingie). also thank you for the pre bubble bath freebies. i am so looking forward to the kit. got it marked on my calendar.

Mags said...

That was great!!
:) Mags